Are you a high achiever, running around like crazy getting loads done, ticking things off your to do list, kicking goals, lining up ducks, putting projects to bed and basically smashing through any key performance indicators thrown at you like the productivity guru that you are? That’s great. Well done you. But, I’m guessing you’re pretty tired, right? Plus everyone you’ve ever met hates you, because you’re making them look bad (Uh oh!) Don’t worry. I’m here to help. Try these simple life hacks below and I’ll have you being less productive in no time.
1. Sleep more
I know, I know, you slept for an hour last week and you feel fantastic. I hear you. But cast your mind back to that power nap you had on Tuesday and think about when you woke up and looked around you. What had you achieved? Answer? Probably very little. You see, when we sleep, we don’t really get anything else done, thus making us far less productive. Therefore, if you sleep more, it would make sense that you would be far less productive as a result. It’s not rocket science people. So what are you still doing here? Lie down silly and close your eyes. Just kidding! Still another awesome few points to get through first.
2. Spend more time eating
Ever noticed how difficult it is to continue to meet those performance objectives when you keep having to stop to eat your lunch, or “refuel”, as I like to call it? It would make sense that if you want to be less productive, spending a lot more time eating your meals will help. Set aside at least an hour for breakfast, an hour and a half for lunch and about three hours for dinner. I know it sounds cray cray, but bear with me, this bit is important – DO NOT do anything else at the same time. Trust me on this. Once you’ve got that down, start thinking about other extra meals you can add in to your day. I like brunch, morning tea, elevenses, afternoon tea, supper, plus a few snacks to keep me going. If you find you’re still being more productive than you’d like, take it up a notch by adding extra courses to your meals. Why not add an amuse bouche to your elevenses, or a palate cleansing sorbet course to lunch?
3. Check your phone
Ok you guys, I know we’re only on step 3 but don’t you totally feel like we’re best friends already? That’s probably because of my warm and engaging conversational tone. It makes me seem like the sort of awesome big sister mentor buddy you never had. Or maybe even a cool aunty. That’s right, c’mon my little nieces and nephews, enough chitchat we’ve got more work to do, oh I mean less, LOL, jokes! Right, for this step you’re going to need a smartphone with an Internet connection. Got that? Ok, great. Now, go online and check if anything interesting is happening. No? Are you sure? Better check again. Still nothing? How about now? Ok now check it again. Are you sure you’ve checked everything? Facebook, twitter, instagram? No? How about now? What’s that? It’s 5pm?! I know, right? You’re welcome!
4. Stare at a wall
This is a great one for if you don’t have a phone, or your Internet connection is letting you down. Are you in a building? Does it have walls? Perfect. Pick a wall (any wall will do), sit down and stare at it. Look at every part of the wall. Notice any subtle variations in tone. You might notice some marks or stains. Feel an urge to wipe those off huh? Tsk tsk, there you go being productive again. Resist that urge and just keep staring. If you start to feel yourself getting agitated, get up and walk around a bit, have a glass of water and then resume your position in front of the wall. Eventually you’ll probably start to feel a bit hungry or tired, in which case revert back to step 1 or 2. How does that “to do” list look by the way, anything ticked off? Didn’t think so.
5. Have a baby
I know what you’re thinking, this is a very drastic step, and in many ways you’re right. But you need to ask yourself, how serious am I about decreasing my productivity? Let me paint you a picture: you’re in work. Oh no, hang on wait you have a baby. Ok, you’re at home. That’s ok; you can still work from home right? So you’re at home, sitting at your computer working away when, what’s that? Your baby just shit on the floor? Better go and clean that up. Ok all done, back to work. What’s that? Your baby’s hungry? It’s crying, “Wah wah wah, feed me!” Better take care of that. Hey did you know babies are really messy when they eat? Really, really messy. Clean up the baby, and their high chair, and the floor, and yeah, better change your top too. Ok, all done. Back to work! Hang on no wait they’ve pooped again. Nappy change time, and so on. Before you know it it’s dark outside and what have you achieved? Zilch. That’s what. Well apart from the whole keeping a human alive and helping to continue the survival of our species, but other than that? Nada. Not so quick to write off that having a baby thing now are we?
So there you have it people. If you can action even a few of these little life hacks going forward I have no doubt you’ll be far less productive as a result. And please hit me up in the comments if you have any other awesome tips or tricks for decreasing productivity, I’d love to hear.